What to do or say…
David Moose wrote in a comment that my friends would appreciate a list of things they could say (sort of the opposite of the list I provided last month of things NOT to say). Unfortunately, it is much harder to create a list of things TO say than what not to say. What is appropriate and helpful today may not be tomorrow. A lot depends on my mood, how I’m feeling, both physically and emotionally, and who is doing the talking; however, here is my best attempt to provide such a list.
1) Perhaps the best place to start is to talk to me about anything OTHER than my cancer. Talk to me about the weather, a job you have for me to do, an amusing anecdote about your friend / spouse / child / pet / etc. I have come to really appreciate when a conversation is not about me and my cancer, but about every day kinds of things.
2) Provide sympathy rather than pity. What’s the difference? I’m glad you asked. Merriam-Webster provides the following definition of sympathy: “The act or capacity of entering into or sharing the feelings or interests of another” Merriam-Webster defines pity as: “Sorrow for someone who is suffering, distressed, or unhappy.” However, according to Merriam-Webster’s online dictionary, sympathy implies a tender concern for someone’s distress, but can also imply a power to enter into another’s emotional experience. Pity, on the other hand, sometimes implies a slightly contemptuous sorrow for one in misery or distress. I understand that people have a hard time understanding what it’s like to find out you have cancer, but please do not feel sorry/pity for me. Instead, it’s okay just to say, “I wish you were not going through this.”
3) Tell me a joke. A friend of mine from Pennsylvania once vowed to tell me a joke every day. I appreciated the thought. I don’t need a joke everyday, but I do have an overly developed sense of humor and appreciate when someone shares their sense of humor with me.
4) “What can I do to help?” Offers of help are always appreciated. Moreover, as Lisa McLeod (a member of my church) told me, “There will be times that people will just do things for you; deal with it!” As I continue to move along this cancer journey, my family and I will need help with meals, with childcare, with odd jobs around the house. Feel free to ask what we need. The one thing I do ask is not to make an offer you are not willing or able to keep. I read a story from a cancer patient who said a friend had offered to give him a ride to an oncologists appointment, but on the day of the appointment, the friend called the patient to ask if he (the patient) could change his appointment (apparently the friend had a conflict through work).
5) The number one item on my list of things not to say, was to say was ‘Nothing.’ I’d rather have you say the wrong thing, than nothing at all. Thus, it’s okay to say, “I don’t know what to say, but I’m here for you.”
When it comes down to it, it’s not the words that matter as much as it is the act of reaching out and saying, either explicitly or implicitly, “I’m there for you. I care.” As Leroy Seiver’s said in an NPR piece several years ago: “Maybe it’s just the act of trying to reach across that dividing line that seems so huge to all of us on both sides, maybe that’s what’s really important.”
Merle
It has been great having Sid here. He was invaluable in completing the swing set (I’ll have pictures in the next day or so). More than that, though, it has been really helpful just having him here. We have always had a healthy sibling…rivalry is not quite the right word, but we have had a fair share of competition. I have always wanted to be like my big brother Sid. When he had an afro, I grew and afro (somewhere there is a picture, but I was unable to find it for this posting; I’m sure if it becomes available, I’ll rush to post it: it was a high point in my fashion evolution). He was a drummer in high school, so I became a drummer in high school.