I’m Not Dead Yet (I.N.D.Y.)

Last week, while I was in the hospital, I talked with a very good friend from high school about how I was dealing with current situation.  Once I got over my brief crying spell, she asked whether I was afraid of the future / my cancer / etc.  I am not sure I am afraid of what will happen to me, but more how my impending death will affect my loved ones.  I’m sad that I will likely not see my children graduate from high school or get married or lots of other life milestones.  I know that I am really getting tired of being sick all the time.  I know that it is harder and harder to maintain a positive outlook.  But I’m not sure I am afraid.

I think my fear will increase, I think, as I got to a time when the disease progresses further and my behavior is more and more restricted and, truth be told, I get closer and closer to dying.  MaryBeth and I started having the hard discussions surrounding things like what I would like to have during my memorial services; how I want to have my death handled; etc.  I think that the reality of my situation is solidifying.

My church is in the process of calling a new minister and Rev. Jan seems wonderful and I would be surprised if she is not called to serve.  MaryBeth had a chat with her the other day and it turns out that our interim minister (Rev. Roy) works until the beginning of July and Rev. Jan would start around the beginning of August.  Apparently, Jan has already spoken with other UU ministers in the area, recognizing that I may need  the services of a minister this summer (hopefully not).

In the meantime, the family and I are still planning on vacations and trips to continue to develop family memories, trying to behave as normal as possible.

I still get nauseous, I continue to have aches and diarrhea, and the fatigue is still very present.  I am beginning to have more and more aches and pains as the days go on, so the symptoms of the disease are becoming more prevalent.  Who knows what the future holds.  My tumor now is almost the size as the original tumor, but the one now is surrounding the base of the mesenteric artery making surgery impossible.

I am dealing with the edema I’ve been experiencing by wearing compression stockings.  I have a new appreciation for what women go through when wearing tights or pantyhose.  I still feel like I am retaining water, but that doesn’t seem to be a concern for my doc at the moment.  I’ll see him again in a couple of weeks and we will re-assess where I am, how I am feeling, and what treatment options are still out there for me.  In short, I keep plodding along.  I’m not giving up.  I’m in this fight to the end, it’s just that as death become more concrete and less abstract, my outlook on life has shifted.

I know for certain, however, I would not be able to face my future without friends like you all.  Many folks wonder what they can do to help, but you know what, just being there, giving me a hug from time to time, and checking in on me (showing they care) is a wonderful help as I go through this adventure.  As always, please continue to send your positive thoughts and energy.

Sorry for my incoherent ramblings.  Thanks for reading.  More later…

merle

Tags: Main, Theology/Philosophy // 11 Comments »