Down day
Yesterday was chemo day for me. I got to the hospital at 8:45a and was there for 4-5 hours. The joy is that the doctors want to infuse 2 units of blood to help get my hemoglobin up, so I am back at the hospital today to get that done. And, oh by the way, I’m having swelling of my legs and feet, so make sure to keep them elevated.
Let’s just say that my mood is not as chipper as I have been in the past. I was terribly nauseated yesterday (got sick even) and I’m feeling “off” today — not so much nausea, but just not feeling right. Intellectually, I understand that I am likely to feel off the day of and for a couple of days after getting my chemo. That knowledge, unfortunately, does not change the reality that right now I’m feeling pretty down. My protien is down, so I need to eat more and take more of my enzymes. My hemoglobin is down, so I’m going in for an infusion of 2 more units of blood. My bloodcounts are low (but not low enough, I guess, since the doc was not terribly concerned about them yesterday). What can I say, I’m a mess.
Part of this may simply be not getting enough sleep. I had trouble sleeping yesterday because of feeling nauseous (I felt better once I did get sick). Part of this may be a vivid reminder that the treatments I am going through are palliative; that really what we are trying to do is slowing the tumor growth down. Perhaps it is simply not knowing the future. I have been wanting to ask the doctors to give me some kind of prognosis and they have been reluctant to do so; perhaps we’ll have a better understanding of my disease progression after the next set of scans.
Now before you all get worried; I’m not giving up. I’m not throwing in the towel. It’s just hard to be upbeat and happy when you feel yucky. I have to remind myself that even though the tumor is back, it was 3 years ago this past Friday that I was diagnosed. Median survival rate from day of diagnosis is something like 15 months, so I am very much beating the odds. When we do the next set of scans, we may find that the tumor has shrunk and there continues to be no metastasis. It may be that this dark mood I am in at the moment is all for naught. We’ll know in about a month.
For the time being, though, I continue to appreciate all the love and caring people have shown me and my family over the years. And, despite how I’m currently feeling, I can say, withouth a shadow of a doubt, that I am (still) not dead yet.
Merle
Hang in there, Merle. Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers always.
I just want to point out that no one expects you to be upbeat and happy and you never have to apologize for not feeling that way. I hope you’re not putting that kind of pressure on yourself. It was good to see you Sunday (and I can almost hear you saying “It was good to be seen”). Lotta love going on.
Hey Merle- Having had lots of nausea with my pancreatitis I have taken a half to a whole unisom (regular blue not the gel caps) each night. And not only don’t they make me feel loopy in the morning they really help the nausea. It may not help but they are over the counter and if it helps then cool!
Kym
Today my friend had a good news to me that his CA 19/9 went down from 136 to 80′s. His marker has been up since Jan to end of March – 14, 20, 80, 126 and 136. He has developed gastritis in his lower stomach lining after the radiations affecting his intake of food and causing pain. In addition starting chemo again in Feb did not help the condition and the marker also went up. I’m always looking for food that might help. So I had him start trying this product – Reserve from Jeunesse – super antioxidant supplement on 3/4. After three weeks, his stomach condition is getting better and the result from this Tuesday’s blood test shows positive sign of it heading back to the right direction – lower. I’m very happy for him.
These links shows the researches on Resveratrol being a powerful anti-oxidiant ingredient. Hope this might help.
http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/21304978http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/21304978
http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3031576/
http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2921554/
I don’t post much, but I pop in and ‘check up’ on your often. I’m sorry you’re having a rough few days. It’s certainly understandable. Hopefully, it means there are happier days ahead!
Is the chemo making it harder for you to sleep? I would get kinda wired after a chemo session. Try to rest as much as you can….yep, that lack of sleep could definitely be messing with your head. But as Patty pointed out, we’re not expecting you to be upbeat all the time. I would think this blog is cathartic for you, so if you can’t be honest, what’s the point, right? Thinking of you.