Yesterday was chemo day for me. I got to the hospital at 8:45a and was there for 4-5 hours. The joy is that the doctors want to infuse 2 units of blood to help get my hemoglobin up, so I am back at the hospital today to get that done. And, oh by the way, I’m having swelling of my legs and feet, so make sure to keep them elevated.
Let’s just say that my mood is not as chipper as I have been in the past. I was terribly nauseated yesterday (got sick even) and I’m feeling “off” today — not so much nausea, but just not feeling right. Intellectually, I understand that I am likely to feel off the day of and for a couple of days after getting my chemo. That knowledge, unfortunately, does not change the reality that right now I’m feeling pretty down. My protien is down, so I need to eat more and take more of my enzymes. My hemoglobin is down, so I’m going in for an infusion of 2 more units of blood. My bloodcounts are low (but not low enough, I guess, since the doc was not terribly concerned about them yesterday). What can I say, I’m a mess.
Part of this may simply be not getting enough sleep. I had trouble sleeping yesterday because of feeling nauseous (I felt better once I did get sick). Part of this may be a vivid reminder that the treatments I am going through are palliative; that really what we are trying to do is slowing the tumor growth down. Perhaps it is simply not knowing the future. I have been wanting to ask the doctors to give me some kind of prognosis and they have been reluctant to do so; perhaps we’ll have a better understanding of my disease progression after the next set of scans.
Now before you all get worried; I’m not giving up. I’m not throwing in the towel. It’s just hard to be upbeat and happy when you feel yucky. I have to remind myself that even though the tumor is back, it was 3 years ago this past Friday that I was diagnosed. Median survival rate from day of diagnosis is something like 15 months, so I am very much beating the odds. When we do the next set of scans, we may find that the tumor has shrunk and there continues to be no metastasis. It may be that this dark mood I am in at the moment is all for naught. We’ll know in about a month.
For the time being, though, I continue to appreciate all the love and caring people have shown me and my family over the years. And, despite how I’m currently feeling, I can say, withouth a shadow of a doubt, that I am (still) not dead yet.