I’m Not Dead Yet (I.N.D.Y.)

Over the past week, I have had a couple of realizations that sort of took me by surprise.  The larger of the two is that at the end of this month, I will have been a full year since I stopped active treatment of my cancer.  For whatever reason, I have always just thought of my having stopped chemo recently.  At some point, though, recently became last year and that realization gave me a bit of a shock (but in a good way).

On March 18, 2009, I had the following to say:

I have to say, though, that I am feeling particularly angst-y with this last treatment.  This treatment represents the last thing I am scheduled to actively do to fight the cancer (beyond the general eating right, exercising, taking my vitamins, and saying my prayers — some of you might get that odd reference).  Moving forward, my fight with cancer becomes passive; I live my life, keeping up hope, but there are no plans to have any other treatments unless something shows up on a CT scan.

Well, it’s been almost a year, and I am feeling much LESS angst ridden about not doing anything active to fight my cancer.  As the months since last March have progressed, the reality of my cancer has, for all intents and purposes, been relegated to my need to continue taking pancreatic enzymes (which, is NOT a function of my cancer so much as a function of the surgical procedure to treat my cancer — is that splitting hairs?).  Physically, I’m generally back to where I was before my cancer.  Prior to my diagnosis and surgery, I was able to lift heavier weights and run longer distances faster.  I continue to go back to the gym regularly, but my strength is not what it once was and I am still having trouble running for more than 10-15 minutes (at 6 mph — prior to my surgery, I was usually running 30 minutes starting at 7 mph and getting up to 8 or 9 mph before the end). Nevertheless, I’m pleased with my progress.

I had the other realization the other day when I was looking through my calendar at upcoming appointments.  I realized that my next set of scans is scheduled for the end of this month.  As I said up above, my cancer has become a non-issue in my life (c.f., my enzymes), so seeing that I have scans coming up was the first REAL reminder that it still IS an issue.  Again, I have no reason to believe that anything has happened, but the other day when I saw the appointment, my initial reaction was, “Oh crap!  I guess I do still have to worry about the cancer.”  Again, I am not spending a lot of time obsessing about it, but the reaction did take me by surprise.  As with my scans in December, my hope is that I will be busy enough to keep me distracted from worrying.  Certainly, with scouting activities scheduled for the last 2 weekends of the month, that shouldn’t be too difficult to do (and of course, we have to start planning for TumorPalooza II, as well).

Thus, I will look forward to celebrating my 1 year anniversary of ending my chemo and will try to ignore the upcoming tests for as long as I can.  Thank you for your continued support for me and my family.

Merle

Tags: Cancer News, Main, Theology/Philosophy // 1 Comment »