Back again
Well, I am back from my trip to Florida. I still have a bundle of emotions rushing around in my head now, but I’m working through them. The last couple of days were difficult, in particular, as my siblings and I began pulling together documentation regarding my father’s estate. Indeed, as I drove to the Kinkos to make copies of the documentation, I could not help reflect on my eulogy. I essentially asked how do you measure the scope of a man’s life? Focusing on my father’s financials, while necessary, unfortunately made me feel as if we were measuring his life in terms of his monetary worth. I know that is not the case, but it still felt “yucky.”
Several people also encouraged me not to equate my father’s fate with my own. I know that he was older and had different cancers (and other health-related problems). I could, however, help but be reminded during the past week of my tenuous situation. I think MaryBeth, I, and at least my younger son all wondered if we would be doing this again sometime in the near future for me. I continue to remain hopeful (even cautiously optimistic) about my prognosis, but I am also realistic enough to know that MaryBeth and I need to have some talks about the possibility of a less than favorable outcome and the immediate and more extended future. You see, when the Rabbi came to talk to the family in the hospital about Dad’s wishes, my step-mother admitted that they had not discussed these issues. I think that both my dad and step-mother focused on his getting better and to, perhaps, the exclusion of other alternatives. As I sat there and listened, I realized the importance of having these not so happy discussions.
For those of you who were wondering, I did not come back to Atlanta to get my CT scans last Friday. Instead, they have been rescheduled for August 28th. MaryBeth is going to visit her sister in Indianapolis to help out around the house; who are we kidding — she’s going to Indianapolis to play with baby Lucy, and her sister is just a convenient excuse. I probably could have had my scans this week, but MaryBeth wants to be there with me when I get the results (which I appreciate). If the results, however, were not favorable, MaryBeth would have canceled her trip to Indianapolis, which I did not want her to do (she needs a break from the unhappiness as much, if not moreso, than the rest of us). Thus, I put off the scans for another week. In reality, if the results are not favorable, I really do not think that waiting an extra week will really matter. (One of the consequences of dealing with my dad’s death is that, despite my earlier statements to the contrary, I would not be surprised if the scans come back unfavorably; though, I realize that thinking this does not make it necessarily true.) As I said, lots of stuff rumbling around in my head.
I guess one good thing that came out of this past week is that I am blogging again, though, it’s unfortunate that it took my dad’s death to jump start this process. I cannot promise that I will blog with the frequency that I have been over the past week, but I will do my best to blog more than once a month.
Merle