I’m Not Dead Yet (I.N.D.Y.)

It’s been a while since I posted, but I figure the day before chemo is as good a time as any.  I continue to feel generally okay.  In fact, I was having lunch with some friends today and one said that I looked as if nothing had changed about me.  That, in many ways, sums up how I’m feeling at the moment: for all intents and purposes, I really do not feel any different than I did before last April.  The biggest impact of my cancer right now is the effects of the treatment, and, after March, I won’t even have that (because I’ll be done with my treatments — woo hoo)!! That begs the question, what WILL we do to celebrate this particular milestone?  Do I smell Tumor-palooza 2??

I do think there is a certain sense of uncertainty that continues to plague me at times.  It’s very hard to feel generally well and know that I have cancer.  I mean, I felt this way before my surgery, too, but back then, I still had the tumor, which, even though I couldn’t feel it, was a reminder of my cancer.  As I have said, previously, I may be cancer free right now.  The problem for me, though, is that I am not comfortable with “may.”  My angst right now is mostly about not knowing, which anyone who knows me would not be surprised to hear.  This, more than anything, is what I will be dealing with moving forward.

How about we revisit some of my resolutions? Exercise more regularly — well, I’m getting up early and going back to the gym.  I am not lifting weights (yet), but I have been exercising on the treadmill; I even tried running on Monday.  Last year, when I was exercising regularly, I was running 3 miles on the treadmill and THEN doing some additional cardio on an eliptical (or lifting weights).  At an intellectual level, I understand that I haven’t exercised regularly in nearly 8 months and that it will take time to build up stamina / endurance; emotionally, it sucks — I should be able to pick up where I left off.  Oh yeah, and what’s up with all this muscle soreness?  Take one picture a day. Well, um, not so much.  It’s not that I don’t want to take pictures every day, but with everything else going on, I often find it difficult.  Thus, I’m modifying this resolution a little bit. Instead, I will TRY and take a picture as often as possible, but when I cannot, I will post a picture that I have taken in the past.  There are lots of pictures I have taken, so I shouldn’t have a problem finding examples.

With that in mind, I present the picture choice for today.  As I have mentioned previously, one of the things I do on the side is wedding and portrait photography.  Not all members of the bridal party stand on two feet.  Several of my clients have included their pets in the wedding; the picture of Fox to the left demonstrates the extremes to which some people will go to include their pets.  Fox was less impressed with his outfit than his owners.

Until next time.

Merle

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