Week-ending…
Hamburger Hanukkah has come and gone and along with it the craziness that occurs when you get so many people into one house for the exchange of gifts. I spoke with my cousin, Susan, about our experiences of Hanukkah when our “Granny” was still alive (my mother is known as “Granny” to my and my siblings children). Indeed, my brother has the table that Susan and I would climb under and claim as our own while my father handed out the gifts. Last night Susan tried to climb under the table again and, somehow, the table had shrunk as neither she nor I could fit nearly as comfortably as we once had.
I did okay for much of the evening, but got overwhelmed toward the end and had to retreat to my room in the basement. I relaxed away from people and felt better for having done so.
For those of you who have been around for a while, you know that as much as people say I am an inspiration to them, I drew my inspiration from my father who successfully battled skin, prostate, and bladder cancer. A couple of months before my surgery, my father also had surgery to remove part of the right lobe of his lung in an attempt to treat his fourth type of cancer (lung cancer). Unfortunately, my father announced to folks yesterday that his lung cancer is back and it has metastasized.
This news struck me on several different levels. I am sorry for my father, as I know that has been frustrated with his recovery since surgery (he has needed to use portable oxygen and apparently the portable units work with only limited success). I am sorry for my stepmother, as she deals with being supportive for Dad as he goes about his day. I am sorry for me, because I thought, in the back of my mind, that as long as my father successfully battled his cancer, I would be able to successfully battle mine.
I know our cancers are independent, but I think I am entitled to a little superstitious thinking from time to time. 
Yes, I know he is older than I am. Yes, I know his lung cancer is different from pancreas cancer (BTW, my Dad’s doctor’s gave him a 35% chance of making it to 5-years…what are my odds? Oh yeah, 20% or so). I guess in the end, his relapse just brought back to the very front of my mind the fact that I *DO* still have cancer (regardless if, as my stepmother says, she prefers to think of me “living with cancer”) and hearing about my father just brought back thoughts of my own mortality. I know these will pass, but they are where I am at the moment.
Last night, at Hanukkah, I spoke to my gathered family (along with my cousin, my father, and uncle) and I said how much I appreciate and had been looking forward to getting together with everyone. I talked about how MaryBeth and I, above all else, try very hard to stay present (though, as this blog suggests, sometimes with less success than at other times). And I quoted Master Oogway from “Kung Fu Panda” who said:
Yesterday is history; tomorrow is a mystery; and today is a gift! That is why it is called the present!
People last night appreciated that quote and I will try to live by it now. I appreciate all the healing energy that you all have sent my way over the last 6+ months. I ask tonight if you will join me in directing some of that healing energy toward my father, Edward, as he begins anew his own battle.
Merle