Clarity
So, as I talked over my post yesterday with folks, I found it easier and easier to express how I am feeling. I have talked previously about my friend who continues to encourage me to evaluate the challenges in my life as either a crisis or an inconvenience. I think, for all intents and purposes, my cancer has gone from being a crisis to an inconvenience.
The complacency I spoke of yesterday I think is just my realization that, right now, my cancer is NOT primary in my life. Randy Pausch talked about the cognitive dissonance of pancreas cancer; pancreas cancer is such a deadly form of cancer, but is relatively asymptomatic until it gets pretty far along. It just strikes me as odd that right now, things are generally “normal.” People ask me how I’m doing, and I can honestly report that I’m doing okay, yet I have this cancer.
I had lunch with a colleague today who suggested that he was impressed with how I was handling things. There was talk about people in my situation possibly curling up mumbling incomprehensibly to themselves. That is just not something I can do. Perhaps it’s my sense of responsibility to my wife and kids. Perhaps it’s my sense of responsibility to other folk who have come to depend, in one way or another, on me. Perhaps it’s just my inability to “give up.”
So for the time being, I will go on with this inconvenience of having cancer. Thank you for those of you who continue to support and care for me. It means a lot.
Merle
looking forward for more information about this. thanks for sharing. Eugene
I thought a lot about yesterday’s blog in the context of when we first met.
We met on a warmish August night at a fraternity rush event. I just remember you sticking your hand out and saying “I’m Merle Hamburger.” I thought “very outgoing and lots of fun.” I was right and, I suppose (and remember), you had a good time in college and with the fraternity.
Now, you could have approached that night with the idea “Why meet these guys? I will only be here for four years and then I won’t see them anymore. What is the point? Four years in a lifetime is very short.”
I believe that you must plan for the future, think of the past, but time is firmly in the present, otherwise, you miss a whole hell of a lot. During litigation I always tell my clients that they should take one day at a time. If you look to far ahead, you will be discouraged, or worse, defeated.
So my brother I tell you to plan for the future but don’t live it. Take each day at a time and enjoy the moment.
Mike.
Hi Merle,
I can’t begin to know what it is like for you to deal with this, but from your blog, I can see that you are living each day with the desire to make the most of those people and things that are most important to you. That is not what I call giving in. Keep up the fight!
Michele