INDY Morning Edition
I am used to writing these blog posts at the end of the day, but I have decided to buck the trend and share even more of my stream of consciousness thoughts. First, however, I want to again thank those of you who were moved, either via the comments or Email, to share your thoughts and reactions to what I have written recently. I was truly not fishing for compliments and well wishes with my posts (though that is mostly what I have been getting), but I appreciate that my friends have been moved to try and raise my spirits and yet again express their support of me. I have said it before, and I’ll likely say it again, I remain humbled by the outpouring of caring that I receive daily (here on the blog and in person). Words are insufficient to express my appreciation, so I will (again) say, “Thank you!”
Mike, a fraternity brother of mine from my whacky college days, wrote that I should not worry about the past, look forward to the future, but live in the present. In a post early on in this journey, I wrote something saying that, in essence, I wanted to live each day recognizing that it was a gift (actually, I think I said I was going to live life in accordance with the fortune I found in a fortune cookie: “Dream as if you’ll live forever; Live as if you’ll die tomorrow.”).
I had another revelation yesterday while speaking with Phyllis and Reshma, friends at work. I had once said in this blog that I didn’t want to sweat the little things; that I wanted to focus on the gifts of each day and not waste my time worry about things that were, in the big picture, pretty insignificant (e.g., whether the kids had picked up their rooms). What I realized during my conversations, though, was that while I had lived that motto (“Don’t sweat the little things”) well for a while, I have slipped back to letting the little things bother me.
It is hard (at least for me) to maintain that enlightened level of living for long, particularly when I am in a wait and see kind of holding pattern. What the folks from work suggested to me, though, was that I had gone back to living my life normally and that in the normal course of living and being a parent, the little things often become the focus (even when we don’t want them to do so).
Again, this all comes back to me just being in an odd situation; having cancer (and having people KNOW you have cancer) and feeling generally healthy. While that will change somewhat next week when I start back up with chemo, the fact remains that, as I mentioned yesterday, this ‘wait and see’ reality of post-surgical treatment and beyond, will produce a fair amount of dissonance for me. As with most anxiety provoking situations, I’m sure I will adjust, but for now, at least I am able to acknowledge and identify the source of my anxiety.
Cheers,
Merle