So, as I talked over my post yesterday with folks, I found it easier and easier to express how I am feeling. I have talked previously about my friend who continues to encourage me to evaluate the challenges in my life as either a crisis or an inconvenience. I think, for all intents and purposes, my cancer has gone from being a crisis to an inconvenience.
The complacency I spoke of yesterday I think is just my realization that, right now, my cancer is NOT primary in my life. Randy Pausch talked about the cognitive dissonance of pancreas cancer; pancreas cancer is such a deadly form of cancer, but is relatively asymptomatic until it gets pretty far along. It just strikes me as odd that right now, things are generally “normal.” People ask me how I’m doing, and I can honestly report that I’m doing okay, yet I have this cancer.
I had lunch with a colleague today who suggested that he was impressed with how I was handling things. There was talk about people in my situation possibly curling up mumbling incomprehensibly to themselves. That is just not something I can do. Perhaps it’s my sense of responsibility to my wife and kids. Perhaps it’s my sense of responsibility to other folk who have come to depend, in one way or another, on me. Perhaps it’s just my inability to “give up.”
So for the time being, I will go on with this inconvenience of having cancer. Thank you for those of you who continue to support and care for me. It means a lot.