Living, dreaming, blogging…
I was told in no uncertain terms this evening that I was shirking my blogging responsibility by not blogging yesterday. Who knew that I was depriving people of their “Merle” fix by not doing so. I deeply apologize to any and all who were so deprived!
Yesterday was very much a day of recovery, as I overdid it both in terms of activity and in terms of the consumption of adult beverage. It’s not that I necessarily drank too much as it was that I hadn’t really eaten much ’cause my stomach had been upset earlier in the day. I felt myself much better today and even ventured out. I’m beginning to feel more optimistic about returning to work soon (though, I’ve been threatened with physical injury if I return to work too soon).
One of my favorite quotes (that I actually first found in a fortune cookie of all things) is: “Dream as if you will live forever; Live as if you’ll die tomorrow.” In essence, don’t worry about the little things and let yourself dream without limits. Early in my cancer “journey,” I vowed to NOT to sweat the little things. Indeed, a friend from church sent me a t-shirt from cafe press that said, “Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.”
Unfortunately, my cancer has become such an integral part of my life that it has become commonplace; to the point that I am again “sweating” the little things. In some respects, I have lost the sense of urgency that I felt early on. I guess that’s a good thing; I don’t feel the impending sense of my own demise (at the moment). On the other hand, it’s a bad thing as I now find myself more likely to snap at pretty insignificant transgressions (largely enacted by my children). I hope that by becoming more aware of this tendency, I can adjust how I respond to life’s little challenges.
You know, a couple of days ago, I mentioned how much I dislike defining myself as a cancer patient/survivor. As several people have pointed out to me, though, it’s hard not to define myself otherwise, given the prominence that my cancer plays in my life. For example, tomorrow I go to Winship Cancer Institute for the first of my post-surgical chemotherapy treatments. After considering previous experience at the institute, I’m expecting to be at the hospital for upwards of 5 hours. It’s hard not define yourself in terms of something that takes up so much time.
I look forward to updating you all on how I *do* tomorrow. I’ve been told that I should tolerate this chemotherapy as well as I did the pre-surgical chemo. The doctors did remind me, however, that the impact of the chemo is likely to be addititive and that I may feel worse and worse as time goes by. But you know what, that’s in the future, and I’m working hard to stay present.
Right now, I’m okay!
Merle