Staying Present (re-dux)
In one of my earlier posts, I talked about the need to stay present through this journey. I have mentioned that people look at how I am dealing with my disease and feel inspired by how well I am recovering from surgery; by how I’m handling things; by how I continue to try to lead a “normal” life. (My karate instructor’s wife continues to call me a “miracle man” because of how I am doing and the fact that I have gotten back into showing up and helping out at karate 4 weeks after surgery.)
I was talking with MaryBeth tonight about how she and I were handling my situation. By and large, I think both of us are handling things particularly well. We have both had our ups and downs and in both of our cases, our downs are mostly tied to instances when we have had difficulty staying present. I will not speak for MaryBeth, but in my case, some days it’s easier to focus on the here and now; that right now I’m feeling generally okay (if not a little sore, but hey, what do you expect for someone who had major abdominal surgery 4 weeks ago). As MaryBeth put it, I get into trouble when I find myself worrying too much about the future to enjoy the present.
But as I have stated (several times) previously, I’m too much of a scientist and it’s hard for me to ignore the data. The reality is that things are not stacked in my favor (despite what Dr. Cameron’s physician’s assistant says). While I am going to be starting chemo to try and kill the cancer cells left in my body this coming week, the fact that there WERE cells left puts me at a distinct disadvantage of making it to my five year survival date. I don’t think of this as being negative, but realistic; at the very least, I am merely acknowledging the possibility that things may not work out the way we would prefer.
I can assure you, though, that I am NOT giving up. I am not presuming I will making it to 5 years is out of the question. I guess this raises the question: is it pessimistic (or fatalistic) to acknowledge the possibility of negative outcomes? Can one maintain a positive outlook and still acknowledge these possibilities? I for one feel the answer is yes (and in the end, sometimes it IS all about me)! I love that there are so many people out there pulling for me; it really makes me feel special when folks come up to me and tell me how they are keeping me in their prayers or sending me positive energy or thinking happy thoughts about me. This evening I went to visit my son’s boy scout troop at their campout and as I was leaving, Brian, one of the adult leaders, casually said to me, “Keep up the fight and kick this cancer’s butt.” It made me feel nice that he took the time to express those feelings.
I *WILL* keep up the fight and hopefully kick this cancer’s butt (and in typical “Merle dark humor” what just ran through my mind is the addendum, “…or die trying.”). Maybe that is where I can be inspirational: to encourage people who are facing some hardship to do what they can to face it with dignity and strength (whether it is inner strength or the strength of their support group). Sometimes all we have is the strength to put one foot in front of the other, but that is still moving forward. Perhaps tomorrow we will have the strength to run.
On a side note, my step-sister, Nancy, and her daughter came by to visit today. Nancy and her family (usually) live in Stowe, VT., but her younger daughter is going to specific school (for dance, I believe) in Birmingham, AL this year. Nancy and her daughter were in Atlanta to visit with other family and decided to come by for a visit. Unfortunately, I had already left before they got here, but it was very nice of them to take the time to stop by and visit. Now that they are so much closer, I hope there will be other opportunities to visit with them this year. Nancy, if you are reading this, thank you and I promise to be around next time you come by! 
As always, please consider going to my Atlanta Stride webpage and join my team (come out and walk with me and my family) and/or consider donating. Every little bit helps. Pancreas cancer is the fourth leading cause of death for both men and women; it has the highest mortality rate of the top 5 cancer killers, yet is the least funded of this group. So I want to do what I can to help the cause. Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! for those of you who have already donated.
Merle