Living up to vision

My 10-year-old niece wrote me a note that my brother gave me when he picked me up at the airport. In it she said, “…I was asked to write about (my) hero and I chose you…” Apparently, my niece wrote this note for me without provocation. People have called me “courageous;” an “inspiration;” a “role model.” You know what, being my niece’s hero means more.

Perhaps I give people inspiration to live beyond their physical / health limits. Perhaps I inspire people to appreciate what they have now. I cannot recall if I have written about this, but I once got a fortune cookie (before my diagnosis) that contained a quote from James Dean:

Dream as if you’ll live forever; Live as if you’ll die tomorrow

I truly believe this quote is representative of how I have tried to live my life these last several months (though, I certainly hope the second half of that quote is not prophetic, especially today). I did not set out to be a hero or an inspiration to anyone. All the better if, through my journey, some have been inspired to so dream and so live their lives.

(It’s amazing how philosophic someone gets when having had a couple of glasses of white zin — which, I would argue ARE clear liquid, and thus acceptable on my all liquid diet).

Merle

T-Minus 1 Day and Counting

Hey there! I apologize for not blogging last night, but the townhouse we are staying in has no highspeed connection (*GASP*). I am finishing up with my pre-op checkin (just a little bloodwork to type and cross my blood + plus I volunteered to be part of some additional research, so they are drawing some extra blood for that, too). For the rest of today, we are going to go check out a movie, have dinner at my brother’s sister-in-law’s, and then TRY and get some sleep. I have to be at the hospital tomorrow at 6a.

One of the bright spots today was Nurse Mary, who functioned as a patient liaison. Mary spent quite a bit time with me and my posse (MaryBeth, my brother Sid, and my Mom) explaining what I/we can expect tomorrow and for the next couple of days.

The general outline is that I show up at the hospital at 6a; surgery at 9a; surgery will take about 6 hours (though, it may go longer because of the portal vein resection); in ICU for 1 day (possibly another day depending on how things go in the OR); then I’ll get transferred to the general surgical floor (for a total of ~7-10 days); once I’m discharged, I’ll have to stay in Baltimore for some amount of time (the doctor said ~6 days; Mary said ~3-4 days today — we’ll see).

Yesterday was difficult.  I felt like I was abandoning my children (in fact, when I dropped my daughter of at her school, I wondered to myself if that was the last time I would see her — unlikely, but like I said, yesterday was difficult).  I was blue much of the flight to Baltimore, again, just dealing with the reality of Thursday.  Last night, several family members got together for a last ditch celebratory dinner.  As it turned out, I did NOT have to be on an all liquid diet yesterday, so I was actually able to eat with them.

Interestingly, today has been easier than yesterday (perhaps because I have had stuff to day).

Last thought: My father’s side of the family has gotten together at Wildwood Crest, NJ every year for the last 20+ years.  Last year, my family and I had planned to go, but the weekend before, I was hospitalized with a gall bladder attack and a blocked bile duct (which we now know was blocked by the tumor).  Needless to say, I was unable to join them at the beach last year (’cause I’m was in the hospital).  Ironically, THIS weekend is the beach weekend again.  Go figure, I’m in the hospital again.  My brother, Sid, did say that I was going to extremes to get out of going to this family get together.  Let’s hope I don’t make it a three-peat next year! :-)

Thank you in advance for all your well wishes.  I hope to be back online within a couple days (according to Nurse Mary, I will be expected to get out of bed and move around within a day or two of getting out of ICU).  MaryBeth will blog for me tomorrow (while I am expecting a quick recovery, I somehow do not think I’ll be up to blogging tomorrow).

Cheers,

Merle