General Malaise…
In general, today was good, but has petered out toward the end. I’m feeling run down, which, I guess, is to be expected given that I worked a full day + an hour and half today. I’m going to publish this post, take a shower, and hit the hay. Tomorrow is a big day — my first day back in the gym.
When I was first diagnosed with cancer, I got really stressed (this is where my older son would say, “Well DUH!”). But as a result of the stress, I lost almost 10 pounds. The really disturbed part of my brain said, “Well, if I have to have cancer, at least I will be losing weight.” (Despite what my wife might think, I’m not terribly obsessed by my weight, but having been morbidly obese for the majority of my adult life, I really want to make sure I do not slip back into old habits.) Once I got over the initial stress, though, my weight came back. I’ve been pretty consistently right around 220 pounds for the last 6 weeks. My hope is that I can lose some of the extra weight by working out. Don’t worry, I won’t over do it and really, for all of you who say it’s good that I didn’t lose weight — really, if you’ve seen me, you know that I am far from starving to death.
Anywho, all that to say that I’m looking forward to getting back into the gym. I walk 10 flights of stairs everyday at work, but I want more. We’ll see how I do tomorrow.
A couple of random thoughts:
1) Lots of folks ask me how I’m doing. In answer to this question Lori Hope suggests that you take us [cancer patients] at face value. If we have a smile on our face, you can presume that we are feeling okay or perhaps have even forgotten we had anything wrong with us in the first place. I like that saying. In many ways, I am not a deep person; I wear my feelings on my sleeve. I’ve been told by many (many) people that it’s painfully obvious when I am not in a good mood. So I will echo Lori’s words: if in doubt, take me at face value. 
2) I remain concerned about my wife, MaryBeth. Someone once told me that regarding my cancer I have the EASY job; I have to worry about keeping myself positive and fighting the cancer. MaryBeth has to care for the family, be supportive of me, and care for herself, including thinking and probably planning what she will do if things don’t go the way we want them to. I may be wrong, but I remain concerned that MaryBeth is not taking care of herself as well as she could; I wish she would take advantage of the resources available to her via Hamburger Helpers, via the various church communities to which we/she belongs, or some other resource. I guess I just worry about her and, much as she must feel in regards to me, I often feel unable to help or provide solace.
As the name suggests, I am feeling a general sense of malaise, so perhaps that is coloring my thoughts today, but there you have it.
Merle