I’m Not Dead Yet (I.N.D.Y.)

Good evening! I’m Merle Hamburger and you’re not! (One wonders how many of my blog readers will get that reference?!)

I spent this weekend participating in the second weekend of my Wood Badge training. All in all, it was a great experience; if for no other reason, I got to spend 6 days and nights with committed scout leaders (some of which SHOULD be committed). Prior to my going to the training, I did not have as good an appreciation of the patrol method used within the scouts.

I remain in awe, though, of the scouters who embraced me (emotionally, physically, or both) in support of my fight against cancer. By and large, most of the people there knew nothing about me except that I had cancer (Friday morning, we were encouraged to share if anything significant had changed in our lives since the last weekend — something that might be producing some anxiety. I shared about my situation!)! All throughout the weekend, scout leaders came up to me and took my hand and told me they were thinking / praying for me. The love that was extended to me was overwhelming and, as I have said elsewhere, humbling.

There were some particularly difficult times this weekend, too. Friday night students from the Wood Badge course from last years Wood Badge course came to get their recognition of completing their ‘tickets.’ As I sat there, I couldn’t help wondering if I would be alive in a year to get my recognition (the course director for the 2009 Wood Badge program has told me she expects me to be there to get my recognition). Today (Sunday), we were given a presentation on ‘Leaving a Legacy.’ We watched clips from ‘Mr. Holland’s Opus‘ and I again got weepy. I can identify with the Holland’s character — I do a lot, but how much of an impact am I really making?? Despite my attempt to remain in the present, I could not help but think about the possibility that I will not have as much time as I had expect to make my impact on this world.

I spent a lot of the weekend reciting my motto (“I’m not dead yet!”). I shared as much as those who asked me wanted to hear (and possibly more than they wanted to hear). Apparently, some of that got back to rest of the staff. Today, one of the staffers (with whom I had very little interaction) shook my hand and told me I inspired him. I was moved. This is a gentleman who has dedicated himself to scouting, with 21 years as both a youth and an adult leader. He has received numerous awards and held several positions of authority and, yet, he is inspired by me. I’m just a guy who is dealing with the crappy cards he was dealt (by using his very odd sense of humor).

Another staff member told me today, “WE (emphasis added) are not dead yet” indicating that he continues to think of me and hope for the best. Yet another staff member corrected me, saying that I.N.D.Y means “I’m not DONE yet!” (Thank you Shawn).

So I want to thank all the members of the Beaver Patrol (Sheryl, Dawn, Eric, Richard, Bruce, Mike I., and Mike R.), the various other patrols, and the staff members (particularly: Ty, Vickie, Rusty, Shawn, Anna, Ed L., and Will) who have reached out to me to show their support. I cannot come up with the words to express the level of appreciation I have for these scouters who have shown me outrageous levels of compassion.

I think the increase in my “dark” moods is associated with the impending initiation of my treatment. It’s much easier to be brave when talking about a treatment that will begin at some unspecified point in time. Now I have a start date…it’s more real…and more scary!

My wife told me that my oldest son (who has Asperger’s Syndrome) has been acting out this past weekend and has continued not to turn in his school work. I used to think that he was unaware of what the outcome of my cancer was (that is, he knew I had cancer, but not what that might mean). I wonder if he is more aware and just now getting around to expressing that awareness. I need to follow-up with him…

Several of you have told me to ‘get over being sorry.’ But that’s how I’m feeling at the moment.

In the ‘Odds and Sods’ category, I called Dr. Cameron’s office at Hopkins on Friday. Dr. Cameron wants me to come in for a 3D CT scan, but wanted to try and schedule it for the week of 5/27. I pointed out that I’m scheduled to start treatment on 5/27. Dr. Cameron’s administrative assistant was going to check with Cameron and find out what he wants to do. So at this point, I have no sense whether I’m going to go to Baltimore this coming week or not.

Tomorrow is my pre-clinical trial lab work and a visit with the oncologist (and possibly some other appointment — not really sure, yet).

I’m looking forward to sleeping in a bed this evening. Thank you for checking back.

Merle

Tags: Cancer News, Family, Main, Merle, On my honor, I will try, Theology/Philosophy // 3 Comments »