Reframing with Serenity
What a difference a (relatively) good night of sleep makes. If one were to consider adverse events on a continuum with ‘Inconvenience’ on the left end and ‘Crisis’ on the right end, last night I would have said the scheduling issues that came up yesterday were certainly close to, if not to the right of, the midpoint (a really BIG inconvenience). Today, I’m more calm and somewhat more relaxed and realize that this is not that big of an inconvenience.
I learned some interesting lessons yesterday. First, long time, ingrained responses to stress often resurface unintentionally. But first, some backstory. I was hit by the Y2K bug, but in a good way. In May 2000, I weighed in excess of 360lbs and in May, 2000 I (finally) decided to do something about it. I went to the Quick Weightloss Center in Atlanta and joined the program. By May, 2001, I had lost 160lbs and, I’m pleased to say, that I have kept the vast majority of that weight off for over 7 years now. Here are some pictures:
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| Merle Before | Merle After |
Weight loss notwithstanding, though, I learned last night that when I am stressed, I again turn to food for comfort. I am embarrassed to admit to all the unhealthy food I ate yesterday — suffice it to say that I well and truly broke the 2000 calorie diet thing yesterday! 
The second important thing I learned yesterday is that Atavan (which my oncologist prescribed if I felt particularly stressed) really does NOT reduce my stress, but knocks me out instead. So last night, I was stressed and sleepy. I think, perhaps, I need to ask the doctor for something a little more effective at the stress thing and less effective at the putting me to sleep thing.
So I am left with the fact that my treatment schedule is mucked up and I have to wait an additional week to begin treatment. Thus, just like a political staffer trying to reframe or ‘spin’ something said by their candidate, I’m going to focus on the benefits of waiting an extra week:
- I don’t have to start treatment on my (18th) wedding anniversary; perhaps, instead, my wife and I will do something special for our anniversary.
- I won’t be in the midst of treatment on my younger son’s birthday next week; again, perhaps we can do something special.
- I have an extra week during which I can enjoy the everyday and not have to worry about nausea and other wonderful gastrointestinal side-effects of the my treatment.
- While I cannot fly up to visit my family next Friday (the day I get my port), perhaps I’ll still be able to fly up on Saturday.
I will try to remember the Serenity Prayer as I try to deal with this small setback:
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
the courage to change the things I can,
and wisdom to tell the difference between the two.
As always, thank you for your thoughts, prayers, and support.
Merle
Merle, your blog is fascinating. Your sense of humor, and your openness are rare qualities. What touch me as a reader, as well as a person who cares a lot about you, are the illustrations from your personal life of philosophical thoughts that are usually pronounced as generalized cliches. From your writing we learn exactly what it means for you to live fully every day, with the priorities you truly value. It evokes the question of our own priorities vs our actual daily choices. Also, all of us need to keep our perspective in distinguishing between what is horrendous and what is merely annoying.
So in a way, your story is at once universal and particular. I hope you will consider preserving this journal and editing it for possible dissemination to a wider audience. If not, it has been of great value to Dad and me and may be important one day for your children. It captures the essence of Merle, which is a rare and precious thing.
Arlene